Give and Take of Relationship

Over 20 years ago, a group of us gathered in a suburb of Cleveland on a weekly basis.  We always had a sacred pipe ceremony on Thursday evenings, what Grandmother Pa'Ris'Ha would call "holding the gate". 

After pipe, we would also have teachings there, as it was in this setting that I first began to study as a medicine apprentice with Grandmother Pa'Ris'Ha.

At the time, I was married to a control freak who thought I could be controlled.  It turned out that I couldn't because I would always listen first to what my spirit would tell me to do.  As a result of following my heart, my relationship suffered.   How could anyone consider that they can come between a person and what their heart is telling them?  Yet, he would persist with threats of break-up and at times, violence, which he never carried out.  It never mattered to me...I always did what was in my heart.

I have always tried to maintain a relationship while working with a spiritual elder and mentor but it has not always been easy for anyone living with me to understand what I was doing, or learning for that matter.  How do you explain some of the things I'm writing in this blog to someone who is a born-again Christian?  It simply did not compute with him.  This would make me very sad because he would just push me further and further away, never trying to understand the dynamics of the give and take of relationships or the 'allowing' that goes with the word 'love', or the growth that comes with learning.  It never occurred to him to join me in learning the ways of spirit.  It simply was not his nature to think outside the box in our relationship.

One day while Grandmother Parisha was teaching at The Center in Cleveland she looked at me and said, "Merida, you could fill this room with your tears.  I've seen many women break under the pressure that you hold for yourself."  The sadness that I felt and held onto was making me ill.  Holding onto emotion has never made the situation better but perhaps it is the way I try to make up for the guilt that I have always felt while learning and doing this healing walk and taking my time away from my family.  Working and traveling and learning with Grandmother for the last 25 years was a passion that consumed me and fed my spirit, which nothing else seemed to be able to do.  After studying with Grandmother and her teachings everything else seemed weak and watered down.

Now, years later, the fires I have walked through in relationship have hardened coal into diamonds and it seems that the experiences with the men whom I have chosen as relationship 'mirrors' have brought me to where I am now.  I've lived with men who were either the children of alcoholics or alcoholics themselves.  Not growing up with chemical dependency-related issues - I never recognized patterns that are well-documented in people with chemical dependency.  I do now, though.  So it was with the knowledge gleaned from living the life that I am able to recognize what others are going through.

NJ came in for a consultation.  "I don't know exactly what it is that you do, but from reading your articles in the paper I just knew I had to come in and find out.  My stress is making me hurt, especially through my arms and chest.  I have relationship troubles with my husband and daughter and am at wits end!"

Well, that sounded familiar to me.  NJ had no idea how to communicate her feelings so I encouraged her to read Dr. James Dobson's books.  Dr. Dobson is a parenting and relationship expert whom I turned to when my daughter was very young.  I found his books in the local library and they worked wonders for me and I've passed his name on to others.

I encouraged NJ to talk only about her own feelings and never place blame or judgement on her family.  "Talking about how you 'feel' let's them know you're not attacking them and no one can deny you your own feelings.  So say something like "I feel that you're moving further and further away from me because I don't know how to communicate with you."   This was an entirely different concept for NJ who then told me I should give classes on all of this.  I told her that people wouldn't come because I don't have PhD after my name and that I was in divorce court (again!) and didn't need to be giving anyone any classes. 

She said the counselors she's gone to don't give you anything to work with.  They just let you drone on and on about your problems without giving you anything of use to make the situation better.  I told her about Grandmother Pa'Ris'Ha and 'becoming the mirror' and how to mirror back what is happening in relationship.  She kinda-sorta got the message but it does take some training. 

Years ago, someone told me to go to counseling.  I said, "By myself?  Why?  There are two of us involved.  How can one person in a relationship go to counseling?   If you're in a relationship and the other half won't go to counseling with you to figure out your problems in the relationship, then it must be time to end the relationship and the only counselor you need is a counselor at law."

Although it was a difficult decision to end this marriage I felt great relief when I finally initiated the process.  I feel I've grown through both marriages and no longer need what is being reflected back at me from outdated mirrors.  I'm off to bigger and broader horizons and looking forward to it!