Over 20 years ago, a group of us gathered in a suburb of Cleveland on a weekly basis. We always had a sacred pipe ceremony on Thursday evenings, what Grandmother Pa'Ris'Ha would call "holding the gate".
After pipe, we would also have teachings there, as it was in this setting that I first began to study as a medicine apprentice with Grandmother Pa'Ris'Ha.
At the time, I was married to a control freak who thought I could be controlled. It turned out that I couldn't because I would always listen first to what my spirit would tell me to do. As a result of following my heart, my relationship suffered. How could anyone consider that they can come between a person and what their heart is telling them? Yet, he would persist with threats of break-up and at times, violence, which he never carried out. It never mattered to me...I always did what was in my heart.
I have always tried to maintain a relationship while working with a spiritual elder and mentor but it has not always been easy for anyone living with me to understand what I was doing, or learning for that matter. How do you explain some of the things I'm writing in this blog to someone who is a born-again Christian? It simply did not compute with him. This would make me very sad because he would just push me further and further away, never trying to understand the dynamics of the give and take of relationships or the 'allowing' that goes with the word 'love', or the growth that comes with learning. It never occurred to him to join me in learning the ways of spirit. It simply was not his nature to think outside the box in our relationship.
One day while Grandmother Parisha was teaching at The Center in Cleveland she looked at me and said, "Merida, you could fill this room with your tears. I've seen many women break under the pressure that you hold for yourself." The sadness that I felt and held onto was making me ill. Holding onto emotion has never made the situation better but perhaps it is the way I try to make up for the guilt that I have always felt while learning and doing this healing walk and taking my time away from my family. Working and traveling and learning with Grandmother for the last 25 years was a passion that consumed me and fed my spirit, which nothing else seemed to be able to do. After studying with Grandmother and her teachings everything else seemed weak and watered down.
Now, years later, the fires I have walked through in relationship have hardened coal into diamonds and it seems that the experiences with the men whom I have chosen as relationship 'mirrors' have brought me to where I am now. I've lived with men who were either the children of alcoholics or alcoholics themselves. Not growing up with chemical dependency-related issues - I never recognized patterns that are well-documented in people with chemical dependency. I do now, though. So it was with the knowledge gleaned from living the life that I am able to recognize what others are going through.
NJ came in for a consultation. "I don't know exactly what it is that you do, but from reading your articles in the paper I just knew I had to come in and find out. My stress is making me hurt, especially through my arms and chest. I have relationship troubles with my husband and daughter and am at wits end!"
Well, that sounded familiar to me. NJ had no idea how to communicate her feelings so I encouraged her to read Dr. James Dobson's books. Dr. Dobson is a parenting and relationship expert whom I turned to when my daughter was very young. I found his books in the local library and they worked wonders for me and I've passed his name on to others.
I encouraged NJ to talk only about her own feelings and never place blame or judgement on her family. "Talking about how you 'feel' let's them know you're not attacking them and no one can deny you your own feelings. So say something like "I feel that you're moving further and further away from me because I don't know how to communicate with you." This was an entirely different concept for NJ who then told me I should give classes on all of this. I told her that people wouldn't come because I don't have PhD after my name and that I was in divorce court (again!) and didn't need to be giving anyone any classes.
She said the counselors she's gone to don't give you anything to work with. They just let you drone on and on about your problems without giving you anything of use to make the situation better. I told her about Grandmother Pa'Ris'Ha and 'becoming the mirror' and how to mirror back what is happening in relationship. She kinda-sorta got the message but it does take some training.
Years ago, someone told me to go to counseling. I said, "By myself? Why? There are two of us involved. How can one person in a relationship go to counseling? If you're in a relationship and the other half won't go to counseling with you to figure out your problems in the relationship, then it must be time to end the relationship and the only counselor you need is a counselor at law."
Although it was a difficult decision to end this marriage I felt great relief when I finally initiated the process. I feel I've grown through both marriages and no longer need what is being reflected back at me from outdated mirrors. I'm off to bigger and broader horizons and looking forward to it!
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label relationships. Show all posts
Monday, January 24, 2011
Saturday, January 8, 2011
Like Children & Puppies
Having both grandchildren and puppies you can't help but notice similarities in behavior such as all of them learn by having fun. Try teaching one of them anything without the fun involved and you can lose them instantly.
Growing up in a family of 9 meant rigid discipline had to be establised otherwise we would have never been able to find anything. However, along with the discipline and work (it was said you could eat off my mom's floors, they were so clean), we always had time to laugh and play.
My oldest brother, Ralph, was the alpha comedian. I say 'alpha' because our younger brothers, Joe and Chris, were also comedians although Ralph had everyone beat so we considered him the alpha.
When Ralph began his comedic rants he would entertain until we were rolling on the floor, choking, with tears flowing down our cheeks. I always thought he should be on stage and would tell him so, adding that there was one leaving in 30 minutes.
The point is, we all got along and still do, with lots of fun, laughter, support and a whole lot of entertainment value. That has boiled down to a whole lot of love that we have passed down to our children, who are now passing that love down to their children who know that we all want the best for them but whatever they choose to be or do in life is their choice and although we may not understand their choices, we'll support them and help out whenever they ask and always be there for them. To date, we haven't had any drugs or other substance issues and all seem to be free from depression or any emotional or spiritual or physical issues either. I believe it's because we have taught with loving discipline along with fun and lots of playfulness.
And so, my life in general has been filled with love and laughter, barring a few unfortunate challenges that have made a few dents. Dents are not bottomless pits, however. Whatever happens in life, having a strong spirit helps. And a whole lot of attitude and gratefulness. I am grateful to have so much love and laughter in this lifetime.
The love and laughter extended to my friendships and into my spiritual life when I met Grandmother PaRisHa. Her love and devotion to her students transcended any relationship I've ever had with a spiritual guide and mentor. She taught with strict discipline but infused it with lots of laughter and so much love. There was no better way to learn the way and walk of beauty. When we began to learn we were as little children and puppies: capable of soaking up spiritual lessons like dry sponges waiting for water. She had an ocean of principles and experiences to pass on and we couldn't seem to get enough of the waters of life that flowed from her deep well of wisdom.
So now it's our turn to nurture and bring lifegiving water from which to drink. As Grandmother PaRisHa would begin a teaching, the thunder, lightening and rain would come and we would gather 'round Grandmother as she would begin to teach us. In a playful spirit she would bring us closer to her to learn the ancient wisdoms with the words, " Come my beloved children and let me tell you a beautiful story". Our lives would never be the same.
Growing up in a family of 9 meant rigid discipline had to be establised otherwise we would have never been able to find anything. However, along with the discipline and work (it was said you could eat off my mom's floors, they were so clean), we always had time to laugh and play.
My oldest brother, Ralph, was the alpha comedian. I say 'alpha' because our younger brothers, Joe and Chris, were also comedians although Ralph had everyone beat so we considered him the alpha.
When Ralph began his comedic rants he would entertain until we were rolling on the floor, choking, with tears flowing down our cheeks. I always thought he should be on stage and would tell him so, adding that there was one leaving in 30 minutes.
The point is, we all got along and still do, with lots of fun, laughter, support and a whole lot of entertainment value. That has boiled down to a whole lot of love that we have passed down to our children, who are now passing that love down to their children who know that we all want the best for them but whatever they choose to be or do in life is their choice and although we may not understand their choices, we'll support them and help out whenever they ask and always be there for them. To date, we haven't had any drugs or other substance issues and all seem to be free from depression or any emotional or spiritual or physical issues either. I believe it's because we have taught with loving discipline along with fun and lots of playfulness.
And so, my life in general has been filled with love and laughter, barring a few unfortunate challenges that have made a few dents. Dents are not bottomless pits, however. Whatever happens in life, having a strong spirit helps. And a whole lot of attitude and gratefulness. I am grateful to have so much love and laughter in this lifetime.
The love and laughter extended to my friendships and into my spiritual life when I met Grandmother PaRisHa. Her love and devotion to her students transcended any relationship I've ever had with a spiritual guide and mentor. She taught with strict discipline but infused it with lots of laughter and so much love. There was no better way to learn the way and walk of beauty. When we began to learn we were as little children and puppies: capable of soaking up spiritual lessons like dry sponges waiting for water. She had an ocean of principles and experiences to pass on and we couldn't seem to get enough of the waters of life that flowed from her deep well of wisdom.
So now it's our turn to nurture and bring lifegiving water from which to drink. As Grandmother PaRisHa would begin a teaching, the thunder, lightening and rain would come and we would gather 'round Grandmother as she would begin to teach us. In a playful spirit she would bring us closer to her to learn the ancient wisdoms with the words, " Come my beloved children and let me tell you a beautiful story". Our lives would never be the same.
Friday, January 7, 2011
Wheel Of Self Destruction
Years ago when relationships were not easy I found them to be an object of obsession. One day, something clicked and I had an understanding that not all things are as they seem and to worry them or place blame was not something that helped any situation. It was at that time I adopted a mantra or a silent prayer to say whenever I would immerse myself in negative thinking. Realizing that I was being negative brought me to the threshold of prayer which always put me in a positive thought process. From then on I just 'let go and let God' or Creator, or the Mystery or whatever you wish to call a force greater than ourselves. If healing the emotions is what one desires, then adopting a prayer or mantra whenever you feel emotional or 'negative' may be something to consider. It certainly works for me. Prayer/mantra gives me strength and takes me out of a blame or downward spiraling emotional cycle.
The subject of much blame and judgement is the self. At times I would attack myself for doing or saying something I should not have done or said. This cycle is self-destructive and tends to set up a wheel of destruction that is difficult to stop as it can spiral out of control to a point where self-hatred erupts and further destroys, creating more hatred and self-judgement. So, instead of blaming 'me', I dropped all judgement of myself and all blame. Instead I would say that I did not like what I was DOING or what I was SAYING. By taking the 'self' out of the wheel of destruction it became easier to get off the wheel when I focused on the ACTION, which took pressure off of 'me'. It is easier and less destructive to say, "I really hate what I just did or what I just said instead of "I hate myself for saying that". It is less destructive to the self when you focus on the ACTION than it is to focus on the SELF. Eventually I learned not to say 'hate' at all. I would just say something like, "I didn't have to say that" or "I don't like what I did". Eventually I developed new pathways that would allow me to be more creative in my thought processes.
By just making this one seemingly small adjustment to my way of thinking of my 'self', I was able to stop the wheel of self-destruction and get off.
Once you get off the wheel of self-judgement and self-blame you feel a freedom that perhaps you've never felt before. This freedom from blame and judgement allows you to then stop blaming and judging others. What a rush when you free yourself of the burden of judgement and blame. I had so much more time to devote to things that mattered and were more positive. As a result, I am more optimistic and have more time to be creative. Once new pathways were created it was easier to fill my day with upbeat and positive choices. But first, I had to allow myself to grow from my own mistakes.
As Grandmother PaRisHa says, "Just one optimistic person, with a willingness to allow people to grow from mis-takes, can effect 90,000 others. Thats what one person can do."
The subject of much blame and judgement is the self. At times I would attack myself for doing or saying something I should not have done or said. This cycle is self-destructive and tends to set up a wheel of destruction that is difficult to stop as it can spiral out of control to a point where self-hatred erupts and further destroys, creating more hatred and self-judgement. So, instead of blaming 'me', I dropped all judgement of myself and all blame. Instead I would say that I did not like what I was DOING or what I was SAYING. By taking the 'self' out of the wheel of destruction it became easier to get off the wheel when I focused on the ACTION, which took pressure off of 'me'. It is easier and less destructive to say, "I really hate what I just did or what I just said instead of "I hate myself for saying that". It is less destructive to the self when you focus on the ACTION than it is to focus on the SELF. Eventually I learned not to say 'hate' at all. I would just say something like, "I didn't have to say that" or "I don't like what I did". Eventually I developed new pathways that would allow me to be more creative in my thought processes.
By just making this one seemingly small adjustment to my way of thinking of my 'self', I was able to stop the wheel of self-destruction and get off.
Once you get off the wheel of self-judgement and self-blame you feel a freedom that perhaps you've never felt before. This freedom from blame and judgement allows you to then stop blaming and judging others. What a rush when you free yourself of the burden of judgement and blame. I had so much more time to devote to things that mattered and were more positive. As a result, I am more optimistic and have more time to be creative. Once new pathways were created it was easier to fill my day with upbeat and positive choices. But first, I had to allow myself to grow from my own mistakes.
As Grandmother PaRisHa says, "Just one optimistic person, with a willingness to allow people to grow from mis-takes, can effect 90,000 others. Thats what one person can do."
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