Wheel Of Self Destruction

Years ago when relationships were not easy I found them to be an object of obsession. One day, something clicked and I had an understanding that not all things are as they seem and to worry them or place blame was not something that helped any situation. It was at that time I adopted a mantra or a silent prayer to say whenever I would immerse myself in negative thinking. Realizing that I was being negative brought me to the threshold of prayer which always put me in a positive thought process. From then on I just 'let go and let God' or Creator, or the Mystery or whatever you wish to call a force greater than ourselves. If healing the emotions is what one desires, then adopting a prayer or mantra whenever you feel emotional or 'negative' may be something to consider. It certainly works for me. Prayer/mantra gives me strength and takes me out of a blame or downward spiraling emotional cycle.

The subject of much blame and judgement is the self. At times I would attack myself for doing or saying something I should not have done or said. This cycle is self-destructive and tends to set up a wheel of destruction that is difficult to stop as it can spiral out of control to a point where self-hatred erupts and further destroys, creating more hatred and self-judgement. So, instead of blaming 'me', I dropped all judgement of myself and all blame. Instead I would say that I did not like what I was DOING or what I was SAYING. By taking the 'self' out of the wheel of destruction it became easier to get off the wheel when I focused on the ACTION, which took pressure off of 'me'. It is easier and less destructive to say, "I really hate what I just did or what I just said instead of "I hate myself for saying that". It is less destructive to the self when you focus on the ACTION than it is to focus on the SELF. Eventually I learned not to say 'hate' at all. I would just say something like, "I didn't have to say that" or "I don't like what I did". Eventually I developed new pathways that would allow me to be more creative in my thought processes.

By just making this one seemingly small adjustment to my way of thinking of my 'self', I was able to stop the wheel of self-destruction and get off.

Once you get off the wheel of self-judgement and self-blame you feel a freedom that perhaps you've never felt before. This freedom from blame and judgement allows you to then stop blaming and judging others. What a rush when you free yourself of the burden of judgement and blame. I had so much more time to devote to things that mattered and were more positive.  As a result, I am more optimistic and have more time to be creative.  Once new pathways were created it was easier to fill my day with upbeat and positive choices.  But first, I had to allow myself to grow from my own mistakes.

As Grandmother PaRisHa says, "Just one optimistic person, with a willingness to allow people to grow from mis-takes, can effect 90,000 others. Thats what one person can do." 

When You're Happy and You Know It

I've lived with some real characters and have been in work situations where many people were very unhappy.  One of my friends whom I've known for many years always seems to be on anti-depressants.  I don't believe I ever understood why.  She lives in a modest home, has nice things and appears warm and friendly.  She has many friends and acquaintances. 

Recently I visited and we talked more intimately than we had ever spoken to each other before in our long history together.  For instance, she never knew all the healing techniques I involve myself in.  And she told me how miserable she is at work.  How the 'younger' people have come in and how their attitudes are so 'different'. 

I said, "so what do you care, you have 3 months left to work, and then you will retire.  I would go in skipping and singing if it were me."

She couldn't see it that way.  She insists that being in a miserable state of mind for the next 3 months is all that exists.  "How can you deny being miserable for the next 3 months?  How can you think that is going to change the fact that I'm miserable now?  I don't know what to do about these women who hate me!  I can't live like this, not being a part of any conversations, not being included in anything.  It's awful!  I don't want to do this for another week let alone 3 months!"

I had to look at her and see where she is.  It made it easier to listen.  She was talking to me, a woman who has lived with a man who did not speak for 3 years, who left the room when I walked into it, who did not and still does not include me in his life in any way, shape or form.  A man who has left the building, mentally and emotionally and spiritually.  No matter what I said or did, he would not leave.  I work here so I can't leave.  Stalemate.  I hired an attorney.  No longer need this kind of mirror reflecting old beliefs and patterns.

It brought 'home' the realization that we are not all alike, that we each have different strengths and weaknesses, that no matter how 'old' a person is doesn't mean we mature equally.  Maybe it has nothing to do with maturity.  Maybe it's just that we each deal with 'loneliness' differently.

I have a purpose in life.  Since I was a child, my purpose has always been finding ways to help people.  I live life helping other people be healthy, naturally.  It keeps me sane and it keeps me on track and it keeps me happy.  I find happiness within myself.  Whenever I look outside for balance and peace I find it doesn't really exist outside of me.  I am at peace and I see each new day as a blessing and an adventure that will open to possibilities.  Everything is possible.  Everything is new and exciting.  I feel love no matter who or what is in my world because all that exists in me is love and it is through love that I view the world around me.  At times I get off track, but then it comes back around and I know I can only make my world better, within me.  If a person doesn't wish to engage in my world and wants to live in a darker place, I can still go within my own world and be happy and at peace. 

Many times I find myself listening to the negative comments made in my home but that doesn't mean I have to engage.  There are times when I mirror back a calmness and a peacefulness that says I am not engaging and the negativity stops.  For a while.  Sure, sometimes I have to fight, but when I do fight, it's for the right to be and to think my way, not anyone else's way.  My thoughts, actions and feelings are mine and they've brought me through 60 years without anti-depressant drugs.  I feel that is because I speak and act with integrity.  When I know I've caused an imbalance I do something to balance it.  Grandmother PaRisHa always said, "the only thing we truly have is our integrity". 

I used to awaken every day, get out of bed and the first thing I would think is "Thank you, Creator, for this beautiful man in my life".  He was a dream come true.  I was always told that being thankful brings more things to be thankful for...maybe it wasn't the man I was supposed to be thankful for.   

I've always had precognitive dreams sometimes years in advance of an emotional upheaval.  
I dreamed the house was falling down around him and he ignored it.  He didn't realize what was happening and when it hit him he literally drowned in emotion as it carried him away.  He never looked back.  I don't like these dreams, they always come true and there's never anything I can do to fix the situation, try as I may.

I put blue light around him all the time and just pray that he survives this break-up, somehow.  I feel that perhaps he never had a knowing of how love really feels.  I get this idea from something he said a while ago, that, "the dogs HATE when you do that!"  I replied that the puppies are incapable of HATING anything. 

When you've lived without knowing how love feels, how can you know to let it in..?  How do you recognize love for what it is if you've never truly known how it feels?  You think it's something else, something only your perceptions will allow because you have nothing to compare it with and nothing you think, do or say can touch what love is.  So, many people live without knowing how to love or how it feels.  When you live with one of them, it is nothing but sad.